Three Thoughts on Threesomes

Experience: bringing two of my lovers together, one -- a lover of sometime, whose body I knew, whose emotional buttons I knew how to push, but we have begun to fall into a routine and drift apart, to different desires and separate futures. The other lover was new: in fact we had never actually made love before. We spent a night together, caressing and kissing, and then falling sweetly asleep in each other’s arms. I think I may have been her first girl. 

The threesome wasn’t my idea, but my lover’s long time fantasy, and I went along, begrudging the intimacy I’d have to give up, the private, one-on-one explorations of each of their bodies and souls. The intimacy that can only grow, I think, when you’re alone with someone, for a long time, talking, kissing, touching, opening up your hearts. I was afraid that when two of the people I was in love with – or was falling in love with – would connect, my deep connection with each of them personally would somehow be trivialized. I wasn’t jealous, not at that point – I knew that both of them were more attracted to me than to each other – but I was worried about a loss, of some kind, an emotional dulling. 

It started innocently enough, though slightly unnaturally. In my mind, I had a picture of my female lover and me meeting first, and starting to make love to each other as my other lover walked in and joined us. Perhaps, since we haven’t had sex yet, I wanted to have that moment – our first – to myself, not having to share it. But instead we talked, fully dressed, not very comfortable with each other, apprehensive, not sure how to start or what to do first. The rest of the night went accordingly. When we finally ended up in bed, all three of us, and started exploring each other’s bodies, it felt too manual, too trial-and-error, and not erotic or passionate enough. I still feel that in the privacy between two people this initial exploration can be very exciting, because no one will see the mistakes you make, you’re following your gut, not performing for the audience, worrying about making it look good. I also felt like a mediator between the two of them – constantly making sure no limits were pushed, nothing was done to spoil or end the scene. I felt more like a guardian than a participant, though during moments when we fell in sync, even I managed to relax and enjoy. I loved the feeling of their hands all over me, not knowing which touch was whose; I felt overwhelmed to the point of orgasm by the constant caresses that flowed into one another, the two bodies moving with mine, the heat that was building up between us. I peaked in the selfish moment when I forgot my role and let my body be pleasured. 

So where was the pain in all of this, the punishment I need in order to cum? I suppose I should’ve mentioned that it all started with a playful spanking, the two of them taking turns at spanking and whipping me with their hands at first and then different implements. While being dominated and hurt by two people I love is one of my hottest fantasies, this too felt a little too staged, too manual, my experienced lover teaching the other how to wield a belt – a lesson with my body as the training textbook: “ouch, too hard! Hmm… not hard enough… right there, like that! Again!” That is not a punishment I can believe (or fully enjoy). And most of all, just as I suspected, I was too dedicated to making this threesome work for everyone else – I was constantly performing, trying to make it look better than it was. 

The hardest part, in retrospect, was watching my two lovers make love to each other. While they still managed to involve me – I was right there, by their side, caressed and kissed all through their act – I felt I couldn’t watch, like, if I opened my eyes, I’d see a scene I would never be able to erase from my mind, their faces actually showing how much they were enjoying one another. Though not jealous at the time, I was afraid of future jealousy it would cause, because at every future moment I would be making love to them, I would know that another body, another person has caused that same expression of bliss, that same physical pleasure. It would simply be…. less personal… next time. That was the loss I was so afraid of! 

And so, this experience behind me, I am still not sure how I feel about threesomes. I am still not completely certain I have been in one. And having spoken to the other participants, I see that none of us truly enjoyed it. I wonder – what went wrong? What could or should have been done differently? I am curious to try this again, perhaps with people who are more experienced, but I am also still reticent…. Why bother with a group? Why not keep the sex one-on-one, and share my lovers by speaking about the experiences with one another (because that excites all of us, sharing intimate stories, imagining each other making love to someone else). Or does that just work for me? 

Ironically, the three of us have grown a little further apart since. Perhaps that is temporary, and we’ll find the way back to each other. We did have a good time just hanging out together, before and especially after. It still felt a bit awkward (for me), but being out and about, socializing, enjoying ourselves together but not in any intimate ways, helped relieve some of the tension and pressure that our somewhat failed menage-a-trois didn’t release. I guess time will show…. Meanwhile, how do I get myself out of this down, this ridiculous and really unfounded fear that I am a little less loved, a little less special to my lovers? 

So my three thoughts on threesomes (a note to my future self): 

1. Do not bring your lovers together. As the old wisdom says (though for different reasons), you're bound to lose them both.And being a constant mediator is no fun.
2. Make sure the attraction between all three members of the group is somewhat equal and balanced. That way, there are less chances of any one feeling left out. Perhaps, spend more time together. Grow to like one another. Get more comfortable.
3. If you begin with an apprehension, your fears will most likely come true. Perhaps it's like a wish-fulfillment -- you get exactly what you expect, and if you're afraid of something, it will happen, because it's already happened -- or has been prearranged -- in your mind. 

I have more thoughts than this, but I am afraid to sum up too neatly an experience that hasn't yet resolved itself in my mind and heart. I don't know where it's all going to take me, and for now, I'm ok with that.....