The Lands of Human Sexuality

I've been writing a lot, but most of it has been going into my drafts folder. Now that I'm delving deeper into my own sexuality, it's getting harder to share -- though if I've come this far, what's another step? There's always a fear in my mind that the next secret I share, the next twisted fantasy I admit to, will be the turn off point for my lover -- or make myself cringe. No matter how liberated we are of the social norms stigmatizing kinky sex, there are still the areas that remain difficult to access, and for a good reason. There was some play I engaged in recently that made me break down and I am not even ready to discuss it, let alone try again -- though it still appears, sometimes, as a detail of my masturbating fantasies. Which made me wonder -- are there any other kinks that I entertain, but that I don't want to try outside my fantasies? Are there any that will never cross that line from fantasy to reality? And if so, why?

And then, on theblackleatherbelt.com blog, I came across Franklin Veaux's "Map of the Lands of Human Sexuality" and, since I was procrastinating as usual from doing the work I was supposed to be doing, I created one for myself:

Map of My Sexuality

I like the malleability of this silly map -- while it is still, obviously, limited by language and closed to the discovery of new lands, it allows for the fluidity of one's sexuality: if your feelings about a kink change, you just change the color of the pins. It was interesting to see how many of these lands I have visited, mostly over the course of the last year, as well as to note my shifting limits. There is more I am open to try now than I have ever been before, and there, of course, are red pins of bad experiences -- things I found out were not for me. But what got my attention the most were the black pins -- for "in fantasy only". There weren't many on my map, but I wondered about them -- what is keeping me from crossing that last line from fantasy to reality? 

In some cases, the issue was my apprehension at coming too close to some deep-seated fears: I simply don't think I have the capacity to deal with the emotional and psychological backlash of unearthing something that deeply repressed. It's one thing to be aware that such fantasies exist, and completely another to try to figure out why -- or deal with how they make me feel. But in other cases, it was the issue of trust and logistics. When other people have to be involved to make my fantasy come true, I don't know how much I can trust them not to take advantage of me in a vulnerable state, or overpower me with their versions of my fantasy. And even with issues of trust aside, while I am getting better at negotiating the scenes, there are still outcomes that I can't predict and thus can't negotiate around. I am scared of what can happen that I will be incapable of stopping, either because of being in a subspace or being too cowardly or too proud.... 

The bottom line is, I know how difficult it is to make some fantasies come true, especially when other people are involved. And while I am venturing into the realm of threesomes, foursomes and orgies, the experience has more often been unsuccessful. With BDSM involved, there are bigger stakes than jealousy or hurt feelings -- and while it often makes this lifestyle so rewarding, there are cases when the prize is not worth the cost. At least just yet....